


starlight

by adularescence



Category: ITZY (Band)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, Endgame OT3, F/F, Fluff, Friends to Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Growing Up Together, Happy Ending, Hwang Yeji-Centric, Minor Hwang Hyunjin/Shin Ryujin, Non-Linear Narrative, Polyamory, Twins Hwang Hyunjin & Hwang Yeji, Underage Drug Use, no yuna or chaeryong sorry, please enjoy my kind of cliche metaphor about starlight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 07:54:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,957
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28827753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adularescence/pseuds/adularescence
Summary: starlight, yeji thinks. she and jisu and ryujin, they’re a bit like starlight.
Relationships: Choi Jisu | Lia/Hwang Yeji, Choi Jisu | Lia/Hwang Yeji/Shin Ryujin, Choi Jisu | Lia/Shin Ryujin, Hwang Yeji/Shin Ryujin, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 28





	starlight

**Author's Note:**

> Hi and welcome! So I may have been half asleep while writing this, and forgot that 5th grade is not part of middle school. So yeah, please just pretend it is lol. 
> 
> Before you begin, please read the tws as this fic contains serious topics. If you think any of them will make you uncomfortable or upset, please don’t read. 
> 
> **tw/** Short mention of use of drugs by minors. Nothing graphic and they are not actually shown using drugs, but it is explicitly talked about and a significant part of the story. 
> 
> Alright, now that I’ve given a fair warning, enjoy!

_out of the night that covers me  
black as the pit from pole to pole,  
i thank whatever gods may be  
for my unconquerable soul._

_in the fell clutch of circumstance,  
i have not winced nor cried aloud.  
under the bludgeonings of chance  
my head is bloody, but unbowed._

_beyond this place of wrath and tears  
looms but the horror of the shade,  
and yet the menace of the years  
finds, and shall find, me unafraid._

_it matters not how strait the gate,  
how charged with punishments the scroll,  
i am the master of my fate:  
i am the captain of my soul._

_\- william ernest henley, invictus_

1\. 

yeji yawns, blinks the sleepiness away. her mug of tea has long gone cold, left forgotten on the coffee table hours ago, before she had drifted off. it’s almost night now, the sun just barely gracing the horizon. she watches through the window for a moment, as the sky swirls together in pinks and oranges and purples and blues. a couple of stars twinkle through, just bright enough to be seen. 

ryujin is still passed out on the couch next to her, head resting in the crook of yeji’s shoulder. yeji kisses her forehead softly, pulls the blanket tighter around them. the weather’s getting colder these days, and the only heater in their apartment had broken just the day before. 

jisu shuffles in then, sock-clad feet padding gently against the floor. there’s a brand new mug of tea cradled carefully in her hands. steam billows up from the surface, and yeji can make out the smell of mint. 

“sorry,” jisu whispers, smile tired but fond all the same. “did i wake you up?”

yeji hums, pulls her under the blanket too. “no, i woke up on my own.” 

“that’s good,” jisoo sighs, snuggling into yeji’s other side. 

yeji presses a kiss to her forehead too, before settling back into the couch. her feet are still a bit cold, but it’s okay. ryujin and jisu are warm, warm enough for all three of them. 

yeji loves them, both of them so dearly. loves them in every corner of her heart, of her soul. know she’ll love them until the end of time. 

it was worth it, she thinks, all of it, everything. she’s happy.

* * *

2\. 

ryujin had been jisu’s friend first, technically, but it’s not like anyone had been counting in the first place. yeji had warmed up to her quickly anyways, fast enough to rival even her friendship with jisu. and that had been the start of it all. 

“boulder!” ryujin yells, before barrelling straight into yeji. 

yeji stumbles, tumbling into jisu next to her. they don’t fall, thankfully, but only because jisu had managed to catch her balance at the last moment. yeji doesn’t really have the heart to be mad though, because ryujin is still in fifth grade and yeji is in sixth. she’s supposed to be responsible, she reminds herself, and a good example. 

it doesn’t really help that ryujin’s just too cute, either. yeji swears she would say something, if ryujin would stop giggling like that. and if her eyes would stop sparkling too. 

“what does that even mean?” jiso asks, clearly lost. yeji knows she’s not mad either, because she’s just as fond of ryujin as yeji is, if not more. 

ryujin grins, looking overly proud of herself. “it means _move._ i just made it up.” 

jisu scrunches her nose. “like a new code word?”

“exactly.” 

jisu nods like she understands, but yeji knows she doesn’t. yeji doesn’t really either, if she’s being honest. she pays it no mind though, opting to lightly shove ryujin instead, careful not to use too much force. ryujin is tiny, afterall, and the last thing yeji wants to do is hurt her. 

ryujin laughs, taking it in stride, and yeji catches the curve of a smile on jisu’s lips. 

“but seriously,” ryujin says, once they’ve settled back into calm. there’s a glint of excitement in her eyes. “i’ve got news.” 

yeji finds herself leaning forwards, almost instinctively. “what?” 

ryujin leans in close to the both of them, completing their little circle of heads. when she speaks, her voice is quiet but high-pitched, almost like a soft squeal. “hyunjin oppa and i are a _thing!_ ”

yeji blanches. “what.”

jisu, to her credit, recovers much faster. she smiles, pats yeji’s back consolingly. “congrats ryujin!” 

yeji blinks. ryujin. and hyunjin, as in _yeji’s twin brother hyunjin._ she doesn't quite know how to feel about that. 

there’s an unsettling little feeling in the pit of yeji’s stomach, small but insistent. she pushes it down, away, ignores it. she’s happy, of course she is. she thinks she is. she loves her brother, and she loves her friend, so why shouldn’t she be? she’s supposed to be happy. 

happy, she thinks, as she congratulates ryujin too. happy, happy, happy. 

she’s happy.

* * *

3\. 

yeji’s first step into highschool is absolutely terrifying. she’s got hyunjin there at least, but jisu’s gone now too, up and left for a new life in canada. she’s not coming back, yeji knows she’s not, but that doesn’t stop the little piece that hopes she will. 

yeji feels sick. 

she’s all alone, nerves growing and completely friendless. she’s _alone._

her phone buzzes with a text. 

_today 7:49 am_

_lia:_

_good luck yeji unnie!!! <3 <3_

_yeji:_

_thx <3_

_miss u :(_

_lia:_

_miss u too :(_

yeji sighs, shoves her phone back in her pocket. at least she can still text jisu, although that doesn’t change the fact that she’s not here anymore. they’re on opposite sides of the world, for god’s sake. yeji’s still _lonely._

she’s scared to lose jisu too.

* * *

4\. 

three months later, they break up. although yeji doesn’t find out until later. much, much later. 

it probably should have been obvious, but yeji had been young and naive and completely oblivious to the world. she hadn’t known, but maybe she should have. 

her first hint comes from ryujin. 

she’s weirdly distant from yeji for a while, about two weeks. it hurts, because ryujin is one of her best friends. of course it hurts, because how could yeji ever even attempt to fill the gap left behind? she can’t, won’t, doesn’t want to. ryujin is absolutely irreplaceable. 

on top of that she has no idea why ryujin barely speaks to her anymore. she doesn’t know what she’s done wrong. she doesn’t know what to even apologize for. all she knows is that ryujin only ever speaks to jisu now, and jisu keeps glancing between the two of them like something’s _wrong._

yeji doesn’t understand. 

her second hint comes from hyunjin. 

they’re in the kitchen together, decorating the last of a batch of cookies. the sound of the radio drifts in from the living room, currently one of many generic breakup songs. yeji hums along, occasionally mumbling the few lyrics she knows. 

hyunjin scoffs, and yeji throws him a glare. she has no idea what has brought about this sudden change of mood, but she knows that it is not her fault, not in the slightest. 

“you don’t even understand the song,” hyunjin tells her, when yeji continues to ignore him. 

yeji stares at him for a moment in stunned silence. when had hyunjin become so pretentious? sure, they pick on each other occasionally, like all siblings do. but that’s normal. this, on the other hand, is so out of character that yeji has a hard time believing her ears. 

“doesn’t mean i can’t sing it,” she retorts, choosing to not question this sudden development. 

hyunjin huffs, still inexplicably pissed-off, and yeji still doesn’t understand. 

in the end, it’s jisu who finally spills. 

it’s hard to explain the stab of betrayal. how is it possible that two of the closest people in her life hadn’t thought to tell her something as important as this? shouldn’t she, of all people, have been the first to know? had ryujin really had so little trust in her to think that she’d be mad? upset? and hyunjin too. is she really that bad of a friend, of a sister? she doesn’t know. 

she feels so _useless._

* * *

5\. 

the thing about middle school clubs is that no one really cares about them. well, maybe jisu did, but certainly not ryujin, and definitely not yeji. and so jisu had joined her serious culinary club while yeji and ryujin had joined the significantly-more-lenient dance club. 

there are a lot of positives to it, which mostly include getting to waste an entire hour of the school day each week. on the other hand, jisu’s free food proves to be a constant reminder of what they’ve missed out on. jisu occasionally shares with them, when she doesn’t like the food or when she feels like it, but yeji still almost regrets her poor decision making. 

regardless, yeji doesn’t regret her time spent in dance club. she and ryujin spend countless hours messing around with the tables and chairs, leaning back as far as they can possibly go. the teacher absolutely hates them for it, but neither of them really care. when you’re young, it’s hard to care that much about anything. 

these are the moments that yeji misses the most, when nothing had really mattered, when nothing had meant anything at all. these are the moments she misses, because there’s no going back. this is the past.

* * *

6\. 

“it’s been a while,” jisu says, gentle, friendly. and indeed it has been. they’re adults now, full-grown adults. it feels like only yesterday when they were still kids. 

yeji smiles, fiddles with the keys in her pocket. it’s a bit strange to be talking to jisu again, but not in a bad way. it’s kind of nice actually. nerve wracking, but nice. 

“way too long,” she agrees. 

jisu shifts, arms resting on her shopping cart. “we should hang out sometime,” she says, “like, when we’re not at the grocery store.” 

yeji laughs, promises they will. there’s a slight fluttering in her stomach, excitement, happiness. it feels almost like a dream to have a second chance. 

“i’ll call you,” jisu tells her, when they’ve finished catching up. “see you soon, yeji unnie.” 

and then they’re saying their goodbyes. yeji accidentally bumps into jisu’s cart in her flustered rush, and jisu knocks a few packets of noodles off the shelf. they bumble around for a minute, picking up the noodles and apologizing to another customer in the aisle. yeji can practically feel the heat radiating off of her face. 

jisu giggles, face just as red, and yeji laughs too. it's a relief to know that even after all these years, even though they’re all grown up, neither of them have changed. not fundamentally, at least. jisu is still jisu, just a little more mature, a little bit wiser. 

yeji smiles, breathless. “see you soon, lia.”

* * *

7\. 

it’s when yeji’s in her third year of college that she finds ryujin again. or rather, ryujin finds her. 

she’s sitting at the dining table of her shared apartment, eating a bowl of very soggy, very bland cereal. it had been the only thing left in the pantry though, because yeji is just as broke as her roommates, so she had sucked it up. at least she’s not hungry anymore. 

her phone lights up with a notification, a message from instagram. 

_today 6:58 am_

_ryujin:_

_hey! it’s been forever, how r u?_

yeji stops, stares. it feels surreal, like she’s in some kind of dream. it’s been years, literal _years._ the last time they had spoken, they were kids. 

__

_yeji:_

_yeah it has!! i’m pretty okay, hbu?_

_ryujin:_

_i’m good! how's school going?_

_yeji:_

_just trying to make it through the year lol_

_are you back in seoul?_

_ryujin:_

_that’s good! and yeah, i’m back home in seoul_

yeji pauses, unsure of what to ask next. there’s a lot of things she wants to say, like _i’m sorry i wasn’t better, i’m sorry i wasn’t there. are you happy now? safe? healthy?_

she doesn't though, it’s been too long for that. she doesn’t even _know_ ryujin now. she doesn’t know if ryujin would even want to hear it anyways. 

her phone buzzes again, pulling yeji from her thoughts. 

_ryujin:_

_how’s ur brother?_

she reads it, again and again and again. over and over until it finally seems to click. yeji wonders, briefly, if this is what ryujin’s really here for. for hyunjin, for her brother. there’s a stab of anger, hurt, unease clawing at her stomach. had yeji ever meant anything at all? or was their friendship just the result of some sick attempt at seeking attention? yeji feels young again, so painfully young and naive. she should have realized, she thinks, maybe then things would have been different. maybe then she wouldn’t still be here, stuck in the past, stuck waiting. 

maybe then she wouldn’t still be half in love with ryujin. 

yeji ignores it all, seals it away, locks it tight. ryujin hadn’t meant it like that. she knows she hadn’t.

* * *

8\. 

yeji’s not sure what had overcome her, not even sure where in god’s name she had gotten the idea, but one day at lunch she had reached out, grabbed the back of jisu’s bra through her shirt, pulled back, and let go. jisu had whipped around, face colored in every possible shade of shock. and yeji, only then feeling the the embarrassment of _snapping jisu’s fucking bra jesus christ yeji,_ had shrugged, playing it cool. 

the next second, jisu had reached out, snapping yeji’s bra in retaliation. they stare at each other, eyes locked in some bizarre mix of surprise and wonderment. yeji has no idea what’s going on, but jisu doesn’t look mad at all, at least not to yeji. and then suddenly ryujin’s in on it too, and then the whole table, and then the table next to them. soon enough, almost the entire population of all fifty girls in their grade is involved, running, screaming, covering their backs in a giant game of spontaneous bra snapping. yeji watches, wide-eyed, at the mess she has created. 

god, she hopes her mom doesn’t find out about this.

* * *

9\. 

“is that why you’re here?” she asks, voice shaking and throat tight. she hadn’t meant to keep going, hadn’t even meant to start, but there’s no stopping now. “was this all just to talk to my brother again? what about me?” her voice comes out as barely a whisper, now, a desperate kind of rasp, pleading. “we were best friends.” 

she doesn’t dare look up, not when she’s so damn near crying, but ryujin is so painfully quiet. and yeji can’t stand the silence so she glances up, like a fool, to find ryujin is just as close to tears. guilt swirls in the pit of yeji’s stomach. she feels sick, wants to throw up. she was never supposed to say that, any of that. not to anyone, and certainly not to ryujin. 

“i’m sorry,” ryujin says, soft, shaky. “that’s not what i meant, it’s just that,” she stops, like she’s floundering for words. yeji’s never been able to read ryujin, not fully, but she doesn’t ever remember feeling this distant, uncertain. “i can’t figure out how to talk to you anymore.” 

yeji feels a pang, straight through her chest. she hadn’t wanted to expose such an ugly, messy side. she hadn’t wanted to hurt ryujin. “i’m sorry too,” she apologizes. “i know that’s not what you meant. and,” she hesitates, “it’s hard for me too.”

ryujin nods, and then they laugh, and yeji feels the relief wash over her. thank god she hasn’t screwed this up, not yet, not again. they’re okay. 

“you know,” ryujin starts, leaning in closer across the table, “i never really liked him anyways.”

“hyunjin?”

“yeah,” ryujin giggles, soft, just the way yeji remembers. “he was nice, don’t get me wrong. i just confused wanting to be friends with liking him.”

“oh.”

* * *

10\. 

yeji’s not sure how it all happened. 

it’s not like she had meant to drift, and she’s sure jisu hadn’t meant to either. but time and distance hadn’t been on their side, not by a long shot. and so here they are, distant, falling apart. sometimes, it feels like she doesn’t even know jisu anymore, not the way she used to, not the way she wants to. 

high school is harder than yeji ever thought it would be, in more ways than one. 

the worst part about it all is that yeji had been too late. _god,_ had she been so slow, so stupid. she should have realized she was in love sooner. maybe then she wouldn’t have missed her chance. 

the guilt sits heavy in her veins. she feels so lost.

* * *

11\. 

this is how she loses ryujin. 

there’s no real start to it, because it all would have happened one way or another. that’s just the truth of it. but there had been a turning point, right towards the end of sixth grade. 

it had been a sleepover, just the three of them huddled together on an old air mattress, voices hushed, secretive. if she squinted hard enough, yeji could barely make out the faces of jisu and ryujin in the dim light of the hall. in her memories, the moment is dusted in a layer of magic, the kind you only feel when you’re young, innocent, naive. it’s the feeling of childhood. 

and then the ball drops, and ryujin’s suddenly asking them to _smoke with her._ ryujin, who is still only in fifth grade. ryujin, who is one year younger. ryujin, who yeji was supposed to look out for. and god, had yeji been lost. in theory she knew what she was supposed to say, knew that she was supposed to say _no thank you, i don’t want to, i’m good,_ but it’s all just so different when it actually happens. she hadn’t expected this out of ryujin, of all people. she hadn’t expected it to be so close to home.

jisu looks lost at sea, eyes wide and focused, lips parted and unmoving. her eyes flick to yeji, and their brief moment of eye contact had felt like an eternity. and it’s then that yeji realizes how scared jisu looks, maybe worried, or nervous. yeji can’t quite put her finger on it, but she knows that jisu is not going to say anything, simply can’t. and so it is yeji who finally mumbles out a quiet _i think we’re okay, sorry._ the awkwardness that follows is painfully stiff. she doesn’t know what to do. 

it’s a few weeks later that ryujin calls her from the hospital. 

“i’m scared,” ryujin tells her, voice soft and raspy. “i don’t know what to do.” 

yeji fumbles, lost for words. how is she supposed to tell ryujin that she doesn’t know what to do either? that she has no idea what to say, where to even start?

“it’s gonna be okay,” is what she eventually settles on, after a moment of silence. ryujin hums, sniffles once or twice. and yeji struggles to find the right words, any words at all. 

the details are all a blur after that, jumbled and fuzzy in an effort to forget, to rid herself of the confusion and guilt. but by the end of the year ryujin is gone, off to a treatment center that yeji couldn’t bring herself to hear the details of. she should be happy, relieved even. but as she watches one of best friends leave, jisu by her side, it’s hard to feel anything more than empty.

* * *

12\. 

at the start it had been the two of them, just yeji and jisu, jisu and yeji. they had met in august, on the first day of third grade. it had been shy smiles and light giggles and pink headbands and scraped knees and dumb shenanigans. in her mind’s eye, it’s colored in shades of pink. sweet, soft, gentle, innocent. pink. yeji hadn’t known what love meant back then, couldn’t have known what was to come. but here’s the thing, no one ever does, not really, not ever. and so maybe, it makes sense then, that had been the start of it all. 

yeji almost misses it sometimes, when she had been young and naive and unknowing. when everything had seemed to make sense, somehow. when she only had to worry about loving one person, not two. it had been simpler then, easier. _one thing at a time, one step at a time,_ they say, but not anymore. not for yeji. not for jisu. not for ryujin. it’s not quite that easy. 

yeji misses not being so confused.

* * *

13\. 

and this is yeji’s favorite part of it all. this is when it all comes together, like the gears of a clock, like the pieces of a puzzle. this is the start of something new. 

they’re in jisu’s apartment, cans of fancy sparkling water scattered on the kitchen table. ryujin moves her game piece five spaces forward, laughs when jisu moves hers back three. yeji rolls the dice, moves her own back one. her chest feels light and fuzzy, yet heavy with love. and suddenly she's pouring her entire heart out, laying out the entirety of her soul. says _i love you, both of you, like love love,_ waits, hopes, prays for any kind of future, any kind of chance. she’s not sure if she’ll get a third. 

and then jisu’s nodding, murmuring a gentle me too. ryujin follows soon after, looking slightly teary and agreeing softly. yeji feels a little bit like crying too. 

this hadn’t been the start of it all, not in any sense. but it had been something new, something special, a beginning. 

this had been the start of their next chapter.

* * *

14\. 

it’s december now, cold cold december. not cold enough to snow, but yeji still thinks this is the coldest she’s ever felt in her life. 

she’s curled up on the sofa, laptop nestled securely on her lap. it’s her last year of high school, and she’s almost an adult now, and she’ll be off to college in a few months if she could finally finish these applications. god is she sick of writing. it feels like that’s all she does these days. it almost makes her miss calculus. almost, but not quite. 

the tv plays quietly in the background, volume turned just low enough to be white noise. something about space, planets, the galaxy. starlight. stars, says the narrator, voice calm and factual, are hundreds of thousands of astronomical units away. so far, in fact, that it takes light thousands of years to travel all the way to earth. because of this, we have no way to tell if any of those stars still exist or if they’ve gone supernova. in this sense, starlight is a living relic of the past. 

yeji stops, blinks, lowers the screen of her laptop. the tv barrels on about the sun, the moon, jupiter, saturn, but yeji doesn’t listen, doesn’t care. it’s been six years now, she thinks, six long years. and here she is, seventeen going on eighteen and still holding on tight to the past, to those golden days, the glory days. back when it had just been them in their little carved-out corner of the world. and god is that pathetic, because that’s the only thing she really knows of them anymore, the last little pieces of something that never even stood a chance, not then and certainly not now. she hasn’t talked to either of them in years, and at this point she doesn’t even think she knows how. 

starlight, yeji thinks. she and jisu and ryujin, they’re a bit like starlight.

**Author's Note:**

> Actual chronological order: 12, 2, 5, 4, 8, 11, 3, 10, 14, 7, 6, 9, 13, 1
> 
> Fun fact, this is partially based on a real story, although I've taken many creative liberties. And before you ask, yes, I did in fact start a bra snapping competition in 6th grade. And yes, the entire female population of the grade was part of it. It was absolutely mortifying to relive this experience, so I hope you got some enjoyment out of it. 
> 
> I also included an angel number in here. If you find it lmk!
> 
> Anyways, if you made it this far then thank you so much! This fic was a bit of an experiment for me, especially since I've never tried to write a non-linear narrative before. I hope it wasn’t too confusing! But yeah, comments and kudos are very much appreciated so if you like this then… maybe leave one?...... or both? Seeing them always makes my day hehe! (srsly if you wanna just key smash or spam emojis then go for it. I will love you forever)


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